What should I do If my child says they don't want to live anymore?

The first thing you want to do is let your kid know that you are paying attention and taking them seriously.  You don’t yet know the level of crisis at this point but no one talks about not wanting to be alive unless they are struggling with something.  You can say “You’ve got my attention, what’s going on?”

And then listen.  

Talking about suicide is tough but it is really important that we use clear language. We have to call it by it’s name and ask directly, “I can see you are struggling, are you having thoughts of suicide?” I know this feels scary. We worry that if we say the word suicide, we are bringing it into our world, like Beetlejuice. But it doesn't work like that.

Euphemisms lead to confusion. Being clear and using the real words holds power. By being able to talk about this difficult topic, without being melodramatic or hysterical, you are showing your teen that you are up to the task of dealing with this. You are strong enough to hold their pain, you are not going to fall apart. Being a trusted adult is one of the most effective ways to keep your kid safe. But that has to be earned. They probably know that you love them but they may not believe that you are able to handle their swirling world, when they themselves are struggling to do so. You have to prove it to them over and over and one of the ways is by showing up and having the hard conversations. And that starts by calling things by their names.

Assure them that you are a safe space for talking about these feelings and you won't overreact or panic. Make it clear that you are there to support them and will remain calm no matter what they share… But then you have to do that. You will lose your credibility as someone they can talk to if you lose your cool. That doesn’t mean that you can’t have emotions. It is heartbreaking to hear that your child is thinking of ending their life. And you can acknowledge that, something like: “It is hard for me to hear how much you are hurting, but I’m ok, I can handle it. I may get a little teary along the way, but you don't have to worry about me.”

Remember, these conversations can be life-changing. Approaching the topic of suicide with your teen directly, and with care, is key to building trust and understanding. You want them to come to you before they take any action, so you have to make yourself the person they want to come to. By talking openly, you become their ally in navigating challenging emotions and experiences.

Ask your child if they are able to keep themselves safe, at this moment.  If they say they don’t know if they can keep themselves safe, take that seriously.  Ask them what they need, and try to keep them visible.  If they can keep themselves safe for now, be thankful for that and plan on having more hard conversations.  I have a guide about having better conversations with your kids.